...AND THAT'S HOW I GOT HERE

23rd July, 2021

My mother tells me when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up at age three, I responded saying I wanted to be ‘mumma’. I don’t know if that meant I wanted to be like my mom, be a mom or if it’s even true because I have absolutely no recollection of this.

What I do remember as answers to that question, which of course changed over the course of my childhood, were this –

When I was four years old, I wanted to work at a cash counter. There was something I loved about the sounds of ringing up totals, bills printing and that tray of money popping in and out every time I was at the grocery store. Every little caching made did something to make me so happy!

When I was six, I decided I wanted to be an airhostess – I caught the travel bug early. I don’t think I realised how hard the work actually was, but the idea of having a life that took me to different places had its own allure.

When I was eight, I wanted to be a dancer. I took Modern Jazz lessons and it was one of my favourite things. The only drawback to this dream plan was that I was only happy to dance in the confines of my room, never in public. Every time there was a recital, I thanked my stars for being a tall kid and getting put at the back of the group.

At ten, I thought being an actor would be cool. In my mind actor equalled famous and apparently famous seemed to be the thing to be.

But these were all flitting, ever-changing dreams of a growing child.

Somewhere along the way dreams became plans, and plans became goals. Subjects had to be chosen, schools had to be shortlisted for applications and plans had to be made.

I remember at sixteen I decided exactly how my life would pan out – I would graduate from school, then I would go to college to study Fashion Design. This would lead me to become a costume designer and fashion writer and eventually be editor-in-chief of Vogue magazine. I decided I would get married at twenty-seven and have my first child at thirty and another one a few years later. Oh, and somewhere along the way I was going to get an MBA & a PhD in God only knows what.

But as they say, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making plans”, and boy did life did happen! All these plans and goals and dreams went out the window.

Things started out according to plan. I graduated from school in 2009 and started at the National Institute of Fashion Technology, New Delhi ready to enter the world and life of being a fashion design student. Somewhere into my second semester, I realised I was happy being an art student, but I wasn’t happy in my existing environment and decided that I wanted to go study outside India. At that time my dream schools became FIT and Parsons in New York and I started building my portfolio and applications to do everything I could to go. But life had other ideas.

I was finishing up my first year of college and was eighteen when life as I knew it changed completely.  My mom got sick, had a paralytic stroke and nothing was the same anymore - priorities, dreams & plans all altered. In that moment I was so grateful that I was home and not halfway across the globe.

The initial years of her being ill were tough on each family member in different ways but being the inspiring and positive human being my mother is, she never let her spirits fall and that’s what kept us from doing the same.

I stayed on at NIFT and finished up my four-year Bachelor in Design degree and graduated in 2013.

We moved to Bombay. I struggled to leave a home and people that had been constants for almost fourteen years, but a part of me was excited – Bombay meant Bollywood, which took me a little closer to being a costume designer, or so I thought.

Change didn’t sit well with me and I found my way back to Delhi with a job working for a fashion designer doing communications, graphics and all sorts of administrative work. It was while I was working that I realised that I loved the design world more than the fashion world and I liked management too. This realisation led me to start thinking about further education, researching and finding the right program, the right place and school that would help me combine both.

In retrospect, being the daughter of a seasoned corporate executive and a designer, I guess both their careers rubbed off on me a little.

2015 found me packing my bags and at the airport half excited, half nervous ready to get onto a plane to Milan, Italy. One year in Milan later, I found myself to be a new person. I found a part of me that I had lost, I discovered something I loved studying and was good at, I built myself a new dream and career path while finding a wonderful group of people who are my friends for life! I was never a ‘academically strong’ kid but somehow I graduated Cum Laude two days before my twenty-fifth birthday with a Master’s Degree in Business Design from Domus Academy ready for the next chapter of my life.

I took the decision to come back home to India and find a job in the field of branding strategy. The search wasn’t easy, and no one really seemed to understand what I had studied. Some people thought I had done a Graphic Design program, some thought it was an MBA. It became tedious to find an appropriate way to explain the new field of Design Thinking.

Eventually somehow, I found myself working at an independent advertising agency in Mumbai as a Strategic Planner. While it was not the exact idea I had in my head, I learnt a lot and ended up enjoying myself a fair bit, especially when I got the idea for ‘Cutting Paani’ for a water purifier brand as a campaign to help save drinking water.

While I was doing all these things, exploring new avenues and rediscovering my life, myself and plans, I continued drawing. It was always something that was close to my heart and that helped me take a break from everything that was going on in daily life.

A year into living in Mumbai alone, working and not living what I would deem as the healthiest lifestyle, all I wanted was to have some time to paint.

I was at a crossroad I knew I wasn’t happy at my current job so as I saw it there were two choices – one, find another job and continue working; second, quit, move back home and paint full time. I knew the first choice was the more conventional one, seeing all my friends working and building their careers and what was expected by society for someone in their late twenties. The second choice though, is where my heart truly was but I knew it wouldn’t be easy.

I am blessed to have the parents I do. These two distinctly different humans who raised me have always been my strongest supporters. A weekend at home and a lengthy discussion later, they gave me the strength to follow my heart and do what I love. The lightness and joy I have felt in these last three years have been beautiful. It has allowed me to build my work, grow and really find my language as an artist. For that I am ever so grateful to you both, Ma & Pa.

Every morning gave me a chance to do something I was so emotionally connected to. Waking up knowing that I didn’t have to go sit in some office trying to come up with ideas to sell something gave me a sense of life I didn’t even know I was craving. I was home, I was safe, I was sleeping and eating properly, and I was painting – what more did I need!

While the joy of doing what you love is insurmountable, choosing the unconventional path has not come without its fair share of struggles. Seeing my peers have successful careers has made me regularly question if what I chose was right. Days of creative blocks where nothing seemed to fit right would amplify that seed of doubt and make me question my skill and passion. Getting through those days is never easy. In contrast were days where I would feel over-inspired almost and sit at my table for 14 odd hours (breaks for meals aside) and overwork to the point of being stuck in bed in pain and icepacks on my shoulder for days.

Like any part of life, this has had its ups and downs, but on most days I am happy that I get to wake up every morning and do what I love. Doubt and I have become cordial acquaintances from regular roommates, Creative Blocks no longer make me cry in frustration and I have learnt how much work my body can take in a day.

I don’t know what the future holds and I’ve stopped trying to think that far ahead and make plans. This pandemic has only enforced that. The thing I am beyond a shadow of a doubt certain of is this the most comfortable I have felt in my life, the most inspired and the most me. People are going to say whatever they have to, not understand my choices and I may even get rejected by prospective mother-in-laws for not having an MBA or a job at a MNC, but I know what I have chosen to do is the right thing for me and that’s all that matters.

So at thirty and one day, here’s what I want to be when I grow up – happy!